The Walking Disease

Well, just to point out the obvious, because I’m an ass like that, I’m still alive. Although, I admit, I’d rather I weren’t.

Nah, I’m not trying to be a little emo fuck, I’m just stating the truth.

I’ve been ill, folks. Sick. Diseased. Unwell. Below par. A runny nosed, phlegm hacking, nasty person.

Believe me, you, I do have stuff to write about. It’s been awhile since I last posted and plenty has happened since. However, chances are it’ll never get posted because, well, my brain has all but a few brain cells left due to being sick. Seriously though, I’m drinking tea.

I HATE TEA.

For the love of God, I hate tea.

That’s how bad it is. Oh fuck, it tastes so gross. When I start to regain composure again, I’m going to ruffle through my head to find out who suggested this tea crap to me and beat them up for it.

Heh. On the bright side, the last couple of days have been slightly enjoyable. That’s probably because I spent it stoned off my ass. I created myself a cocktail of Cold FX, Dayquil, Benylin, Vitamin C, chicken soup, various juices containing 180% vitamin C and Neocitran. I decided to leave out Advil Cold & Flu because I thought that would be pushing it…

I’ve begun to warn family and friends that if I see a bright light coming from within the dark, I am so going for it.

Did I ever tell you guys the story of when I did see a bright light and I turned it down? OH! Or the time I was visited by Lucifer? Hmm… maybe not. I’ll have to write it out when I’m feeling better. I tell ya, it’s a gooder! Everyone I tell the story to believes that I was hallucinating, but I swear I wasn’t.

Damn this tea is gross.

So, I am at work right now. Contaminating everything, I’m sure. I did take Monday and Tuesday off, but hell, the work is piling up but I cannot focus because I’m too busy shoving Kleenex up my nostrils.

Not the most attractive image, I know. I apologize.

I also apologize for the fact that I’m fucking sweating like a pig sitting in the hot seat of Hell beside Satan. There’s only so much pit-stick that a person can put on before it starts to get really gross.

Okay. This is officially one of the worst posts ever. I’m going to shut up now. But mark my words, I’ll be back. I will return with a fully functioning immune system.

P.S. Ugh, this is gross. People actually drink AND enjoy tea?

P.P.S. I just sneezed and coughed at the same time. It was gross. And painful.

P.P.P.S. HAH! AND, I entered PMS mode. So add Advil Liquid Gels to my cocktail to ease the pain of the horrid cramps.

Should Have Been Called Mad Cow

Well, I may as well admit it. I mean, it’s not as if it isn’t obvious enough.

I am in a foul, foooooouuul mood.

These last few days I’ve been on the edge. Angry, irritable, frustrated.

And let me tell you; it certainly does not help The Mood when it is a fucking 6 degrees Celsius outside. It is September 14 – I SHOULD NOT BE WEARING A WINTER JACKET RIGHT NOW.

Actually, that last part is my fault. I seem to have forgotten my jacket-wind breaker-type thingy at a friend’s house last night. BUT STILL. It should not be that cold outside that I have to resort to a winter jacket. It’s raining a hell of a lot and it is damn cold.

I HATE the cold.

I seriously cannot stress that enough. Seriously.

I do not like dressing in layers. I do not like wet shoes and socks. I do not like frozen body parts. I do not like nipplitis. I do not like putting away my summer clothes and skateboard.

I’m seriously thisclose to stomping my feet.

It is that bad.

And I can’t help but wish that I could go on vacation. Again. Even though I just had a vacation two weeks ago. Or something.

It is becoming far too difficult to refrain from punching someone in the face.

I should have just stayed home today.

I have a bad feeling that when I go through my menstrual cycle for this month that it’s going to be ugly.

Maybe my body is just preparing me for the wretched PMS to come.

Perhaps my body is all, “Watch out bitch, ‘cause it’s gonna be a rough week this month.”

I am so not looking forward to that.

The Rant and Rave Files

I feel like giving a good bitching. Fo’ serious.

First on the list, that damn Britney Spears.

Whether or not it’d be true, I can believe it. Why? Cause she’s fucking dumb like that. How lazy can one person be? Apparently, VERY LAZY. “Oh, lookie me, I’m Britney Spears. I’m a lazy fuck. Why celebrate my childrens' birthday on separate days when I can do it all on one day! It’ll be like, killing two birds with one stone!” My God. MY GOD WOMAN. Cunt.

Next up, Toronto, Ontario.

Are you fucking kidding me? This is a joke, right? Please tell me I read this wrong. NOPE, NOT WRONG. I mean, I certainly don’t admit to being brilliant, BUT C’MON PEOPLE. Even I could have figured that out. That is a shame. If I were a relative to the old lady, I would have taken the fuckers that didn’t change the street names, set them on fire, call 911, have the fire department go to the wrong address, THEN LAUGH. Fuck, I know I’m cruel. But I’m sorry, that’s just me. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you.

Now, this one just puzzles me.

What the hell ever happened to good ol’ fashion candy? Sure, it may rot the kid’s teeth, but only if they don’t brush and floss! Seriously though. “C’mon kiddos! Gather round mommy and let’s smoke a joint!” Lady, you make me sick. ‘Nuff said.

Okay. This one. Hah. Kinda makes me giggle.

Of course he thinks he’s the Jesus! I’m sure after being a heroin addict you’re bound to think some crazy, stupid thoughts. HAHAHA. If that’s the case, then there are probably plenty of psycho-whack jobs out there that believe they’re the Jesus. HAHAHA. Moron.

Uh, then there’s this.

To be honest, I don’t even know what to make of it. I’ll pass.


Phew. I feel much better.

Told You So.

Well, that last post took me nearly five fucking hours to publish. This lousy thing called Blogger decided that it did not want to post any pictures and felt the need to delete text when published.

It is late. I have laundry to do. I'm fucking hungry. And I was supposed to meet up with someone this evening.

Did I mention that I'm hungry. Cause I am.

So, unfortunately, I will not be able to reply to any past messages piled in previous posts nor will I be able to lurk your sites and type out any witty comments until tomorrow.

Seriously, Blogger, it's things like you that make me avoid the computer.

PS. Yes, I noticed some grammer/spelling errors in the last post, but I'm too afraid to edit it AGAIN in fear that text and/or pictures will disappear on me again.

(Not Worthy of a Real Title)

Someone said something to me last night that angered me. I didn’t say anything about it at the time and basically acted like nothing was wrong. Once I got off the phone with this person, all I could think of was “Fucker.” And that was it. This morning, on the way to work, I recalled what this person said and again all I could think of was “Fucker.”

I’m thinking that I still am slightly cheesed off. (Cheesed off? Where the hell did that come from? Is it even a word or an expression?)

Aside from that, I’m finding that I’m becoming increasingly annoyed with a good friend. He’s a fantastic person to talk to for advice and all that typical chatter among friends, but he constantly has to throw in a sexual comment – every-friggin-where. Enough. I am so tired of things like:

Me: Hmm… oh, what to have for dinner tonight.
Him: Sausage. *wink wink* Polish sausage. *nudge nudge*
Me: No.

or

Me: I’m cramping. My “friend” is back for the week visiting.
Him: Aww, bebe. I’ll be over with some oil… maybe a back massage… you could bend over too…
Me: Hmm, no.

or

Me: I think I’m going to go do some shopping tonight.
Him: I’ll go with you. We can pick up some toys for you. (Translation: Toys at the Love Stop)
Me: Uh. Pass.

Then there is Jamie. Sir Asshole is leaving soon for six months. Leaving just prior to my birthday. Because he’s an ass like that. I’ve been worrying a lot about how I’m going to survive with him gone for that long. I realize that it’s only six months. But he is someone I talk to every day, numerous times. Sadly, I see and talk to him more than I do my family. Jerk. He better bring back wonderful gifts for me. Which I’m sure he will. He always does.

Lastly, my birthday. Sixteen days, folks. My mom recently asked me what I wanted for my birthday. To be honest, I have no clue. There really isn’t anything I need or want. Or, maybe there is and I haven’t thought of it yet.

Okay, I’m ending this post here. I honestly can’t believe how pointless it was. There’s 3 minutes of your life you’re never getting back! HAH HAH HAH.

Beyond Un-censored

Before anyone goes charging in and reading the following words on this page, I believe that it is best if you stop reading here. The subsequent paragraphs are intended for my own personal ranting and raving, and honestly? Probably makes me look like a cruel and horrible person. WHICH, deep… deeeeeeeeeep down inside, I truly am not. Now I’m sure that I’ve only stirred up the curious kitty that lies in all of us, that some will continue to read it, and that some will want to give me a good cyber beating; however, thankfully for me, this is my site and technically I could write about florescent pink feces for all I care.

Anyway.



I was reading the newspaper this morning; I read an article that turned me into a pencil snapping maniac.

Although it may not be the newspaper article, here’s an online idea of what it was about: “Boat trip to Cyprus 'horrible'”

Seriously. What the goddamn fuck. What the hell has landed in your gastrointestinal tract and decided to grow shit for brains. If it were me? Trying to get on that damn boat? I would have been all, “Out of my motherfucking way assholes. I’ma land me on that filthy-assed shit vessel and save my sorry ass.”

Don’t get me wrong. I dislike crowded spaces and vomit just as much as the next person. But believe me, you, I would have taken a good puke-fest on me by ten people than sit my ass around and wait for the chance to have the Grim Reaper find room in his appointment book and rip me a new asshole… or cunt… his choice.

(Can’t say you weren’t warned. It’s even typed out on the right-hand side. “Highly un-censored”. Yeah. I guess I should bold it.)

All in all, although it may have been unorganized and crowded and disgusting and yada yada yada, I would not be bitching about it the way these people are. I would have taken whatever I could get, graciously kiss the boat and thank the higher Gods for allowing me to be one of the folks that got out safely. That, and that the boat didn’t sink. And to the fuckers that could only focus on the negative side of it all rather than focus on how fortunate they are to have been rescued?

SWIM THE FUCK BACK AND GET NAILED IN THE HEAD BY A MISSLE.

The Queen of Incoherency

Because I’m having a hard time focusing, and putting words into proper sentences and paragraphs, I will continue with this post in point form. I can guarantee that it will not make much sense.

~ Rain. Mother Nature, make it stop. I’ve got shorts and flip-flops waiting to be worn. I’ve got a skateboard sitting in the storage closet. I’M TIRED OF STARING AT THE GROUND TO AVOID STEPPING ON REPULSIVE WORMS, THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. It makes my neck sore.

~ I’m hoping that the sharp, stabbing pains in my head is nothing. They’ve come and gone for a few years now. Lately I’ve had a fainting feeling every time I walk around. I wonder if this is, possibly, related to my caffeinated coffee use throughout the day. Sadly I need a cup of coffee right now.

~ I’m tired. I’m very, very sleepy. And my head hurts.

~ My workplace is a zoo right now. Not literally, but it is scary out there. We’re currently hosting our second largest event with an expected attendance of 15,000 to 20,000 PER DAY. Sure it’s only for three days, but seriously, I’m already starting to develop a twitch.

~ I used to do fine in large crowds. I’m not doing so fine now, for some reason. With all these cars… and people… ACK. My teeth start to grind, my fists are clenched, and my eyes dart left to right like a bullet. I’ve become jumpy.

~ In less than a month we will be hosting our largest event. There is a minimum estimated attendance of 1,100,000. Every year that figure is surpassed. That figure is then divided by 10 for the 10 days it takes place. That’s a minimum of 110,000 per day. I need to quickly fix this jumpiness.

~ I went grocery shopping yesterday and my sister came along. Note to Self: Never go grocery shopping again with your sister. This woman, who turns 22 in less than two weeks, climbed into the shopping cart and refused to get out. She then proceeded to try to grab everything in her path. My body is sore from trying to push the cart. What the hell.

~ I have found the solution of getting over an ex-significant other and totally forgetting that on Sunday it was two months that the fucker left. Solution: Fume silently at new partner. No wait, strike that. New significant other. No, strike that. I’ll figure out the term when I know what is going on.

~ I may have over-reacted and resorted to spite. I need to fix this problem.

~ Haha. Get this. I’m sick, AGAIN.

~ Friends tell me to take Cold FX. Apparently it’s a miracle worker. I bought a small bottle. Geezus, that shit is expensive. I better get my money’s worth.

~ Mr. Don Cherry supposedly takes Cold FX and swears by it. But, do I believe him? I am NOT a fan of Mr. Cherry. He makes me twitch. Also? Toasted does NOT taste better.

~ Rumour has it, there is a small patch of sunlight coming through the clouds. I don’t believe it’ll last long. But I hope it does.

~ I watched Brokeback Mountain with my sister last night. I cried at the end. Crying at the end of sappy, romantic movies is not unusual for me. I keep a box of Kleenex close by for that reason.

~ I need coffee.

~ Apologies for this being incoherent.

A Day Like Today (Yesterday?)

I can’t believe I’m going to waste a post on this, but I am going through p.a.n.i.c. mode.

It is raining. It has been raining all day. Why would this bother me? Of course I’m going to tell you.

Last year, possibly about this same time, we had rain. And not just a little bit of rain, I’m talking a massive down pour for about two weeks straight. This caused a colossal flooding of the river. This river then proceeded to flood various buildings of my workplace and flooded basements, parking lots, etc. two blocks from where I used to live. The worst part? The rain completely flooded the park that Jamie and I frequent when we want to take an easy ride on the skateboard. The pathways were submerged in disgusting, dirty water and the park benches could only been seen by their very tops. After the flood, the pathways were closed off for quite some time because of the damage and because of the length of time it took for the water level to go down. All in all, it destroyed my skateboarding routine in the spring.

And that’s not all! The worms. The disgusting, slimy, squishy worms. Once the rain starts, they all come crawling out of their filthy holes in the ground and take over the sidewalks and roads. It freaks me out to be honest. It really, really does. Gah.

Then there are the wet socks and shoes. Even though it has only rained for a day, by my work and downtown the sidewalks and roads are already piling up with huge puddles of murky water. It is a task to be able to plan each step strategically to somehow avoid these puddles. Unfortunately for me, I was unable to plan each step that quickly and am currently warming my very wet, cold feet.

Oh, and the smell. OH THE SMELL. It is especially horrid when you’re trapped with soaking wet people on a train and all you can smell is the scent of wet people - or also known as the scent of an icky, wet dog.



-15 minutes later after putting the laundry in the dryer-

Hrm. There was something else I was going to write about. I have completely forgotten what it was. It was good too.

OOH! I remember. Haha.

Now that I think about it, it really isn’t that good.

I finished a contract at work for a movie shoot that will be taking place at my place of employment. It will actually have real famous people. I realize that this all sounds fairly ridiculous, but up here in Calgary we don’t get many famous folks dropping by. I have devised a scheme to enter the shoot and steal their clothes. My idea was then followed with a typical comment on how eccentric I am (believe me, if you heard my idea you’d understand why eccentric is fitting).

I have until June 21 to put my plan into action. I will prevail.


Added Note: Okay, technically this post was meant for yesterday but due to circumstances that could not be helped (aka Blogger being down) it is being posted today.

P.S. I had a couple of photos that I was going to add to this, but apparently Sir Blogger won't allow that either. Photos to be added whenever I am allowed to add them.

How Tired Is Tired?

Geezus. It is 11:46 p.m. and I am just waking up. No wait, let me start at the beginning.

Went out last night. Got home. Did not sleep till 3:00 a.m. (I do have an unfortunate sleeping problem). May have had a few drinks before coming home. Had the temperature set at a ridiculous high. Wore sweat pants and a shirt to bed. Woke up at approximately 6:30 a.m. screaming, ripping my clothes off and throwing them across the room. It.was.too.damn.hot.idiot.me. Took forever to get back to sleep. Woke up for work in a daze. Got to work. Still in a daze. Twelve noon hits - still in a daze. Coffee. Coffee. More coffee. Promise myself to go home, do laundry and get to bed early. Did laundry. Watched television.

At that point I can only assume I dozed off because the next thing I know I am waking up and realizing that, well, I am waking up.

I am beyond grateful that tomorrow is Friday.


Update:

So grateful that tomorrow is the weekend.

Went to bed at 2:00 a.m. thinking, "Shucks, it's gonna be easy to fall asleep! I bet my body is still in the whole I-am-Still-Not-Quite-Awake-Put-Me-to-Sleep Mode."

No.

no, No, NO!

THAT.WAS.NOT.THE.CASE.

period. end of story.

I was up, tossing and turning, turning and tossing, for another hour and some after that, all the while thinking, “Body is still in the I-am-Still-Not-Quite-Awake-Put-Me-to-Sleep Mode… body is still in the I-am-Still-Not-Quite-Awake-Put-Me-to-Sleep Mode… body is still in the I-am-Still-Not-Quite-Awake-Put-Me-to-Sleep Mode.”

Victoria Day Long Weekend

Well it’s back to work now that the glorious Victoria Day long weekend is over. Everyone here is off talking about how fabulous their weekend was. How was mine, you ask?

SHITTY.

Honestly, that’s the best way to describe it.

For the last week or so I have been pumping my body with lots of vitamin C and fluids in hopes that I could ward off a cold that I could totally feel coming. You know: the sore throat with the occasional sneeze. I knew my immune system was going to possibly give in at some point, but REALLY, did it have to happen during the LONG WEEKEND that I had been waiting for since the LAST long weekend?!

So there I was, snotty, coughing, head a spinnin’, feverish chills and a throat so sore that I could have sworn that someone shoved sandpaper down my throat at night. Now you’d figure that I would have rested Friday night all the way till Monday evening… HAH! I scoff the idea. Rather than doing just that, I dragged my sorry ass out and continued to watch the hockey game Friday and Sunday night, including going out Saturday night for my friend’s birthday.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I ended up going home early on Saturday because MY GOD I thought I was going to die. Thankfully I had some smarts in me and rested all Sunday day, afternoon AND early evening… until I got back up and went out again to the pub for the hockey game.

My face, grimace, can.t.stop.

BUT. Fret not for I wised up and stayed home all Monday eating can after can of chicken soup, drinking fluids, attempting to OD on vitamin C, snacking on Advil and drinking Benelyn cough syrup straight from the bottle.

Today, I’m still feeling like poop, but I’m at least seeing an improvement. Here’s hoping that I don’t bring myself back down because heaven forbid I miss the hockey game tonight.

Truth be told, when this hockey season is over I am SO going to lock myself up in my place and not leave for a week. Okay, except maybe for work… and to possibly get groceries… oh can’t forget laundry… err… and maybe leave to see a few certain people…

Straight From the Devil

If you are easily offended or dislike a dirty potty mouth, stop reading here – otherwise, proceed.

As I’m sure any faithful readers will know, I am a hardcore Edmonton Oiler fan. I do not go bandwagon hopping when my team is failing and I am proud to admit that I cheer for the “Deadmonton” team. I wear the Oiler shirts proudly and will gladly get in anyone’s face when I am confronted for cheering for the opposing team. I do not bite nor do I pull hair – I use fists and feet… with the occasional crotch kick.

I admit, lately I’ve been consumed with the NHL playoffs. I’m finding it difficult to focus on anything else when the evening arrives. But seriously, it’s hard to focus on anything else when my team is kicking so much ass right now. True I may be jinxing things by being so all and mighty about them, but its okay, because regardless I will still believe they are the best.

Last night Edmonton played against the Sharks in San Jose. Because it was Mother’s Day, I watched the game with my family rather than at a pub. I am certain that my parents were glad to get me out of their house after the game, especially with my sister and me drinking the beer and being very annoying and belligerent.

Firstly, I’d like to mention that the Oilers won AGAIN. The series is now 3-2 Edmonton and the next game shall be a good one.

Secondly, I will begin my ranting and raving regarding the Shark fuckers who think that they can boo along to the Canadian anthem.

If you are reading this, and you are one of those Shark fags that booed along? Get the fuck out and stop reading here.

I currently and gathering up enough sarcasm for this, but I am soooooooo sorry that your team sucks dirty, stankin’ fish cunt that you feel the need to boo to the Canadian anthem. My apologies that this Oiler team from up north is kicking your San-fuckin’-Jose ass so badly that you need to make that pathetic sound from your ignorant mouth. Don’t you pricks even realize that your team has CANADIAN players? You idiots. Maybe we’ll take back some of the great Canadian hockey players you have and ship them back to Canada. Cheechoo, Thornton. Gorges, etc. – WE’LL GODDAMN TAKE THEM BACK. Then we’ll see what a fucking lousy team you’ll have left. HAH. No wait… IT’S ALREADY LOUSY. AAAHAHAHA.

Oh, and booing Pronger? Do you folks in San Jose really believe that booing him is going to put a hex on him? Because honestly? It doesn’t seem to be working. Don’t wear yourselves out and just put an end to it. May as well focus on something constructive, like cheering for your team… maybe it’ll help them win a game here and there.

In the meantime, while you learn to cheer for your damn team instead of booing the other team and until you can learn to open up your mouth for something useful rather than be an ignorant-fuck pissing all over the Canadian anthem, work your larynx by sucking on your choice of prostitute’s strap-on.

You've Been Warned

I fucking tell ya. There are some massive effin pricks out there and Jason happens to be one.

Here I am, Saturday afternoon, hoping to watch a movie that will lift my spirits.

So I go looking for The Big Lebowski. Hell yeah that movie rocks.

I look. I look some more. High and low. Low and high. Searching all around every nook and cranny.

What do I find?

NOTHING.

That worthless sack of shit fucking took MY fucking Big Lebowski.

Honestly? I am fucking close to trashing the entire fucking place out of pure rage and anger.

Someone is going to get punched in the goddamn face tonight.



Oh, and yes, this is being posted on Sunday because that thing called Blogger decided that it didn't feel like publishing my post yesterday.

Pointless Ramblings of a Monday Morning

I am positive that I’m not the only one who HATES Mondays, but seriously, I HATE MONDAYS.

Every Monday it’s the same thing, over and over again.

Step One: Moan and groan like you haven’t slept in years and all you can think about is kicking anyone in the shin that tries to cross your path.

Step Two: Drag your sorry ass to get into gear and begin the day by flopping down on whatever your bum sits on (hopefully a chair of some sort).

Step Three: Whether it’s work, home or school: Open Outlook. Click the Snooze button on all of your tasks to delay the reminder of “Hey! Hi! This is your work for the day. Get me done NOW!” You know the routine – it’s like the alarm clock in the morning.

Snooze. *10 minutes later* Snooze. *15 minutes later* Snooze. Crap. Overslept again.

Step Four: Take a hell of a long time to type anything because suddenly the a’s are turning into o’s and the space bar is the shift bar.

Step Five: Notice that your head is pounding and that coffee hasn’t been mysteriously appeared in front of you.

Okay, so maybe that fucked up routine applies only to me – who knows.

I’ll tell you what I do know… my head is killing me. Horrible, horrible crushing-pounding feeling. Advil doesn’t seem to be helping and I’m thinking that either my eyeglasses need an adjustment or that I’m going through caffeine withdrawal. Even with that, I don’t know what a caffeine withdrawal is like. For all I know, my brain is expanding to outstanding limits that it’s pressing against my skull until one day I wake up and OHMYGOD MY BRAIN HAS SQUEEZED THROUGH EVERY HOLE IN MY HEAD AND NOW I’M BRAINLESS.

eek. I may have frightened myself…

Let’s just hope that a pot of coffee will ease the pain.

Wicked Woman

You know – funny thing – I totally forgot that in order to get to the season we call summer, we have to go through a thing called spring. Dark, dreary, wet spring. Here I am, all “YAY! Winter is over! Neener neener, winter you’re a wiener!” Next thing you know, Mother Nature is slapping me across the face with her wet hand reminding me that the best is still yet to come.

GEE, what was I thinking?!

Insanity Is When You Start Talking Crap - Literally

Ugh. You people are sick. Sick I tell ya. There are some things in this world that we, or at least I, will never understand.

Skid marks. Shit stains at the bottom of a toilet bowl.

HOW DOES THAT WORK?!

It doesn’t matter if it’s coming out of J’s ass or weirdo ladies taking dumps in the women’s facilities; how does one create a force so strong that it leaves a trail of poo along the side of the bowl straight to the bottom? This is not Hansel and Gretel. The shit will find its way to the drain. Believe me.

Disgusting.

Even at home, J manages to leave stains so bad that it doesn’t matter if you flush it 50 times… you’ve got to get out the toilet brush… and ooooh how I hate the toilet brush. In fact, it’s to the point that after J is done his business, I can hear him in the bathroom saying, “oooh… no…. AJ, you do not want to look at the toilet.” It’s at that moment, I know what he’s done (he finds it funny – good God, he has a good laugh about the situation).

People! There is no reason that there should be crap stains at the bottom of the toilet bowl! We, at least North America, are fortunate enough to be living in a country that provides us with toilets that contain WATER at the bottom. We do not own the German toilet. There is no logical reason for this insanity.

Pointless Ramblings of a Monday Morning

I have no idea what is wrong with me today. I.can.not.seem.to.focus. Maybe my problem is that it’s 10:30 a.m. and I haven’t had any coffee yet. Or maybe it was the fact that my weekend sucked, my desk at work looks like its been struck by a tornado, I’ve got a crap load of projects/presentations to do and I can’t even remember what they all are, another friend of mine is getting married (I’m extremely happy for her, but whatthefuck? what about me? Sorry, jealous side), or maybe it’s because I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF WINTER I WANT SUMMER AND SKIRTS WITH FLIP-FLOPS.

Why hasn’t a hot pot of coffee appeared already?

Bullshitting My Way Through

What the hell. First it snowed, then the weather turned all chinook-like, now it’s sunny and raining? Where am I? Did I just step into some fucked up time warp? Anyway, on to the real reason I’m here.

Work. Yes, I’m going to rant about work.

At Job #1, we are going to begin using a new booking system. Last week a group of us received training so that once we’re forced to leave our comfort zone of what we’re currently using, we won’t be shocked. Well I, unfortunately, was not able to attend the full sessions of training. First I had to go back to the office early because budgets *gag* had to be done at the end of business day. Then I had to miss the session where we actually got to book past/future/active events because I had to do a last minute contract that was brought to me.

Today we had a group of four people come in to do data entry into the new system. The go-to lady, who is very familiar with the system, was in the training room helping these folks out in case they had any questions. Just before lunch I was informed that she had to return to the office so they would need someone to head over to the training room and watch over/help the four people. Who’d they pick? ME.

HAH! I say, HAH! What the hell did I know about this damn system?! Not a lot!

So after lunch I head over there and ohmygod was it terrible. Bring in the court jester to entertain the village idiots! The questions. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THE QUESTIONS. I had no answer to the majority of the questions they had because, well, I didn’t get the training I needed! Guaranteed they think I’m stupid. And we won’t even get into the lady who needs the entire world catering her every need like, “Um, do you have a better chair here? Or a better desk? Cause like, this setup isn’t very good for doing work like this.”

I DON’T GIVE A GODDAMN FLYING-FUCK. It’s all we got lady! Which might I add, the desk and chair were perfectly fine.

So as they finished up their work and started to leave, they’re all like, “Okay, bye! See you tomorrow!” And I’m all like (thinking to myself), “Not in this lifetime!”

And that’s when I get the phone call.

“Hi AJ? Yeah, tomorrow we’ll need you back there in the afternoon to help them enter more profiles that we’ll be printing off tomorrow morning.”

I don’t know how much more I can bullshit my way through this.

Tag Team Back Again

We, in this area, have been fortunate this winter; plenty of chinooks and plenty of sun. Last night though, Jack Frost decided to tag team Old Man Winter and creep up on us. Yes, we are living the epitome of cold, freezing Canada.

You see, there’s the kind of winter where you’re cold but just cold enough to give your skin those lovely goose bumps. Then there’s the kind of cold where you’re thinking to yourself, gee, my nipples are rock solid! I bet they could cut glass! But then… there’s the kind of winter that – brace yourself – you step outside and suddenly someone’s got a hold of your throat, squeeeezing tight and OHMYFUCKINGGOD THERE ARE SHARP NEEDLES DRAGGING ACROSS THE FIRST SIX LAYERS OF MY SKIN AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE KILL ME NOW.

I do not jest.

Where’s that goddamn weather website…

Oh gasp, I think I’m going to pass out. With wind chill… tonight… minus 38.

MINUS 38 DEGREES CELCIUS.

You must excuse me. It’s time to eat everything I can find, fatten myself up and hibernate with the bears.