Paying the Price

*Watching a television commercial*

TV Commercial: Money can’t buy love.

Me to FM: Yeah! For you, my love is free. It won’t cost you a thing!

FM: Hah! No, it did cost me something.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

FM: *Insert jesting tone of voice* It cost me everything and I’ll be paying for it for the rest of my life.

Me: *Punch*

Nice A-Hole

I thought I'd give One Plus You - Cuss-O-Meter a try and this is what I got.


Created by OnePlusYou

You're shitting me, right? There is no way that is accurate.


819% more than other websites who took the test?

Man, it takes a lot of will power for me to not write things like,

"What the hell ever. I guaran-fuckin-tee I don't swear as much as some of those people out there."

"This is bullshit."

"Cuss-o-meter, fuck you."

But, seriously. That number is wrong. I don't think I'm that bad.

Born in the 17 Century

Because I have nothing better to talk about (aside from the fact last weekend I wore short-shorts, a tank top and flip-flops and this weekend I'll be wearing a winter jacket because you know, Mother Nature likes to fuck with me like that) here's a photo, from last year, that I had to take.


I get the impression that they will feast on your blood. Or something.

Yes, that sign was posted in front of a house. I wonder if the members get to wear red, velvet cloaks.


Edited to add:

HAAAAAH. I just went to squeeze some lotion from a bottle and there must have been an air pocket because when I went to squeeze some out, it exploded lotion gunk all over my desk and monitor.

Damn, there's even some in my hair. hahaha. Happy effin Friday, eh!

One for the WTF!@#$ File

An employee is out of the office today, therefore, leaving his office vacant.

I felt a rumbling from deep within.

I acted like I had to drop something off in his office so walked over to the office door, opened it, and in I went.

I made a 180 degree turn, paused, and you guessed it – I let a silent one go.

I then proceeded to walk out and closed the door behind me.

It was fan-fuckin’-tastic.

I’m only slightly ashamed of myself.

They're After Me

OH MY FUCKING GAWWWWWWWWWD.

Now I am damn paranoid!@#$%&*

I saw something come at me while I was sitting at my desk.

I was all, “WHOA.”

I took out a compact mirror and checked myself out. There was something in my hair. I took my pen and flicked it off.

I thought I was safe.

Until.

The insect came back, full force.

I got a good look at it.

IT WAS A MOSQUITO COMING TO SUCK MY BLOOOOOOD.

I have enough mosquito bites. I don’t need more. I need my blood. I don’t need West Nile Virus.

I freaked out. COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT. (I’m a sissy, I know.)

I GRABBED MY PEN AND STARTED SWINGING IT AROUND LIKE A MAD WOMAN.

That’s right. I tried to fight off a mosquito WITH A PEN.

WHAT THE FUCK.

It wasn’t working (obviously). The Devil Blood Sucking Mosquito kept trying to get to my face.

I threw the pen and ran.

Literally.

I also screamed. A little.

I hope no one saw or heard.

Now my skin is crawling and I’m all shifty-eyed.

"It was her!"

If anyone comes asking you folks if you have seen the white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, I DID NOT take it…

and/or

If I suddenly come down with food poisoning or am dead, it was the white chocolate macadamia nut cookie…




Damn. Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten the tempting cookie that was just sitting there in the staff lunch room… I hope it didn’t belong to someone else…

I mean. What cookie?

Take the Internets to Work Day

Today is Take the Internets to Work Day. You know what I’m talking about. It’s like the whole Take Your Kid to Work Day, but unfortunately for me, I’m childless. You will all have to do for this day.

So why the whole Take the Internets to Work Day? Because. I’m tired. Very, very tired. And sleepy. And, I guess they’re both the same thing. Tired and sleepy. And now I’m not making much sense. I’ll stop here. Yes, also fully aware that I've posted work pictures before. Work with me people!

Come Internets and behold. Click on the pictures to get a clearer look with details on what is what. BUT, as a fair warning, I’m the boring host that would bore a child if I truly brought them to work with me.

First, Internets, the day starts off with opening my desk drawer! OOOoooh, Aaahhh!

Then I stare at the piles of paper on my desk. Thrilling, I know.

Then I say screw it and proceed with my beverages of the day.

Note: Work being done not shown.

Sometimes the Urge Takes Over

Sometimes, at work, when I go to the ladies restroom and I’m the only one in there, I like to stand in front of the mirror and make funny faces at myself. What goes through my head while I’m doing this is, “What the hell? Stop it.” I don’t listen to myself and I continue to make funny faces.

I have no idea why I felt the need to share that.

The Impracticality of It All - Part 2

In addition to my last post, I feel the need to show off these Hickory Sticks that I speak of. Click on the pictures to see the notes attached to them.

The Hickory Sticks

The Innards

Hand... must... get... in... bag.

Ah Hah! The Sticks are out.

The Impracticality of It All

Hickory Sticks. You’re delicious, but to be honest with you, I avoid buying you because you are just not that practical.

No, I’m serious.

If you purchase a 50 g bag you got to really reach in there just to pick up those little sticks with your little fingers. And if you have larger hands? Yeah, you’re going to have a problem even fitting your hand in the bag. Then, of course, rather than obtaining a chip and popping it in your mouth, you’ve got to gather up all the little sticks and strategically get them in the mouth without losing a few sticks along the way.

If you purchase the larger bag version of the Hickory Sticks you may be thinking to yourself, “OOOH! Look at all those sticks! SoooOOOOoOOo many sticks!” ‘cause, you know, it’s a larger bag… hence the many sticks. Hmm. Truth be told, I have no idea where I was going with that last part – chances are I’m the only person thinking, “SoooOOOOoOOo many sticks!”

Anyway.

I find that the best way to eat Hickory Sticks is with a spoon. Yes, a spoon. With this spoon mechanism I can guarantee some good stick shovellin’ into the mouth at a much quicker pace than if fingers and a palm (used as the “plate” of course) were put into action.

Live Blogging

LITERALLY!!!@#$#@@!#@$%$#!@#

I am TOTALLY blogging this... LIVE!!!!!!!!!

OHMYGOD.

I believe I may have creamed my panties.

My hands, they are shaking.

Bad.

Okay, I've calmed down. CALMED DOWN.

So here I am, watching American Idol (I couldn't help it!) and lone behold Chris Daughtry comes on stage to perform with Live! And honestly? Anyone who knows me knows I am obsessively in loooooooove with Live (perhaps just Ed... but that's another story).

Alright, the performance is done and I couldn't be any happier. Now if you'll excuse me, before I write a real post, I must change my panties.

The Prince

I could not resist.

As I was looking through MSN News I saw a headliner that read, “Prince Voted 'World's Sexiest Vegetarian'”.

Here I am, all, “OOoOOOooooOOoh, Prince William?!” as I wiped the drool from the side of my mouth.

I clicked on the link, and rather than finding Prince William, I find this instead.


Talk about bursting one’s bubble.

My Awesome Technology Skills

AH HAH. Clever AJ, clever.

I’ve just been passed a co-worker’s Blackberry. She had forgotten it in her office so she had someone bring it over from the other building. Here I am, all, “What a contraption! So, uh, what am I expected to do with it?” Answer it if it rings, apparently.

My predicament? How in God’s name does one answer this Blackberry mechanism if it rings? I see no Talk Button.





Of course. It just rang. So I sat here at my desk, staring at it, hoping that I could use some special mind power to answer it. I failed. Thankfully I no longer have this Blackberry in my possession for the owner has claimed it.

Expensive Footwear Venture

I’m excited. I have few ideas of what I’d like for my next Expensive Footwear Venture.

Because I’m such a cheap bastard, I limit my splurging -anywhere from approximately $100-$500- to no more than twice a year (give or take). Otherwise, you will not catch me in a store “for the hell of it.” I will not spend over $10 for a tank-top; no more than $20 for a t-shirt; and absolutely no more than $40 for pants, and even that is a lot of money for me. And yes! It is possible to find awesome clothes at those prices. Someone has got to tell my sister that $100 for a sweater is so not cool.

The last Expensive Footwear Venture brought me boots, so this time around I’m thinking of going with something different. Right now the race is between: the vinyl with the black lace (I heart vinyl); the same version with no vinyl but with red lace (love the red lace); another vinyl design (so damn cute); a vinyl design with hearts (I heart the hearts but I can picture myself falling in stilettos); these flats which I know they have at the store but aren’t pictured (I love the pink bow); and…. Oh fuck it. Who am I kidding. I want them all and SO.MUCH.MORE.

A Better Day

I know I said that I'd do the whole mass blog thing today, being as it is the Official "Blog Everything" Day, but I don't believe you all understand my situation.

I am currently getting ready to go out today. Jamie and I are heading to the grocery store, cooking ourselves a kick-ass breakfast and then we're going..... SKATEBOARDING.

YES! He and I are packing our boards and heading out onto the streets of Calgary. This will be my first outting since last fall when the weather started to turning its ugly head toward winter.

Seriously. I am too excited.

HERE I COME.

Official "Blog Everything" Day - Ultimate Blogging Day

April 1 has been dubbed the Official “Blog Everything” Day. The idea originated with this gentleman and he intends to blog until he can’t blog no more. So, folks, it’s time to whip out your ideas on anything and everything.

Do it, because you know you wanna - I know I'll be digging around for some topics.


Now I must save up all my thinking/writing ideas for tomorrow...

Pointlessness Part 1

Well, I’m still in shock-mode from my eyeglasses and the price, but I tell you, Super Glue sure pulled me through.

While I ogle these piles of paper on my desk and try to figure out the best way to get all this work done (unfortunately throwing them in the shredder isn’t an option) I’ll leave you with Part 1 of AJ’s Many Things of Sorts That’s Rather Pointless.

My Desk At Work 1
My Desk At Work 2

All Your Base Are Belong To Us

Part of an email that I received from the IS department regarding our password for our new booking system:


Your EBMS password has been reset to:

35546d49_5^&GFT-A6

To change your password within the system please go to: yada, yada, yada


An hour later, I get this email:


the system could not accept passwords that weird and long... so I have reset the reset password to:

8char005


Haha. What the fuck. *sigh* Maybe I’m the only one that found this amusing.

Keep On Truckin'

Mullets! Yes, the mullet! The Business In the Front – Party At the Back, The Tennessee Waterfall, The 10/90! All of these? the mullet. Today, I say, is Mullet Day!

I happen to dig the mullet, but I’m rather particular about my pickings. Mullets on a strapping young man? Mmm-hmm. A mullet on this man? Hehehe. No.

I remember once, when I was about 20 years old, I was at a pub with a few friends when we spotted a male about our age sporting a mini-mullet. We were in awe.

*giggles like a school girl*

“Hi! TEEHEE. *wink* How you doin’? We looooooove your hair! May we run our fingers through it?”

“Uh, no.”

Okay, so we didn’t pick him up, but at least we tried.

This rant of mine will be a combination of two loves. The mullet and the Edmonton Oilers. Why in God’s name would I combine the two? Well you see, I am a hardcore Oilers fan. I grew up in a hockey family and I was born and mostly raised in Edmonton. Back in high school the Edmonton Oilers obtained a new hockey player. His name? Ryan Smyth (aka current assistant captain – aka captain team Canada). Oh.My.God. It was lust at first sight. This man had the best hockey/mullet hair I had ever seen and he was –and still is- an awesome player.

The things I’d do to just touch his hair.

So! In salute to The Mullet, I give out a great big, “Keep on truckin’!”


P.S. No, I do not own a mullet. Pshaw. Really now, have more faith in me.

Questions Without Answers

Today, a friend of mine asked me if I enjoy working with the Mat-Leave-Replacement-Lady.

“She’s okay I guess.” I said.

“You make it sound like there’s something wrong with her.” My friend replied.

“Yeah, she talks to herself.”

I just don’t understand it.

I’m constantly hearing my fellow employees talking to themselves. Or, at least I think they’re talking to themselves. For example:

1) Mat-Leave-Replacement-Lady will be in her office and all of a sudden I’ll hear her speaking very loudly about something-or-another that isn’t right or “Odd, that doesn’t belong there.” There won’t be anyone around but me, so what the hell do I do? Is she talking to me? Who’s she talking to? Is she a Think-Out-Loud sorta person? I don’t want to seem rude and make it seem like I’m ignoring her, but at the same time I don’t want to respond and have her think, “Bitch, I ain’t talking to you.” Good God, could you imagine?

2) Today, I’m doing my work when another employee walks right up to my desk, stands there and looks at some papers, mutters something about printing something twice? and continues to stand there is a confused state. Honestly, I don’t know if this man printed something twice. So, I look at him; give the groan and shrug that translates to “uh, I don’t know…”, and look back at my work while hoping that he’ll leave ASAP. I certainly hope he wasn’t expecting a real response from me or an answer to explain his paper mystery.

And it’s like this for nearly all of the folks I work with. I hope it’s not contagious and that I’ll start talking to myself too.