Monday, April 21, 2008

Nice A-Hole

I thought I'd give One Plus You - Cuss-O-Meter a try and this is what I got.

The Blog-O-Cuss Meter - Do you cuss a lot in your blog or website?
Created by OnePlusYou

You're shitting me, right? There is no way that is accurate.

819% more than other websites who took the test?

Man, it takes a lot of will power for me to not write things like,

"What the hell ever. I guaran-fuckin-tee I don't swear as much as some of those people out there."

"This is bullshit."

"Cuss-o-meter, fuck you."

But, seriously. That number is wrong. I don't think I'm that bad.


Friday, April 18, 2008

Born in the 17 Century

Because I have nothing better to talk about (aside from the fact last weekend I wore short-shorts, a tank top and flip-flops and this weekend I'll be wearing a winter jacket because you know, Mother Nature likes to fuck with me like that) here's a photo, from last year, that I had to take.

I get the impression that they will feast on your blood. Or something.

Yes, that sign was posted in front of a house. I wonder if the members get to wear red, velvet cloaks.

Edited to add:

HAAAAAH. I just went to squeeze some lotion from a bottle and there must have been an air pocket because when I went to squeeze some out, it exploded lotion gunk all over my desk and monitor.

Damn, there's even some in my hair. hahaha. Happy effin Friday, eh!

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Monday, April 14, 2008

Not Like I Used To

Note to Self: Eat food before you decide to party it up like it were 1969. Because boozing with no food will do you zero justice when you clearly do not have the drinking capabilities you once had. If you think you can down those nine doubles in 2.5 hours, expect some of it to come back out. Idiot.



Thursday, April 10, 2008

Is it April?

Dear 1+ Feet of Snow and 2 Hour Commute to Work (from the 0.5 hour commute):

Snow and traffic. Fuck you.




And to you, Snowfall Warning, eat ass.


Tuesday, April 08, 2008

100 Things...

...about me that you probably don't care about.

1. I first wanted to write one of these lists when I was 23 years old.

2. Two years later I'm finally writing one.

3. I've been told I'm tall. For a girl. (insert eye roll) I'm 5'7".

4. I tend to roll my eyes a lot.

5. My eyes are brown and my hair is dark brown.

6. If you tell me my hair is black, I will cut you.

7. I'm addicted to a few things. Chapstick is my greatest addiction.

8. I am a smoker who has been trying to quit for years with no success.

9. I hate that I ever started smoking.

10. If given the choice to pick between my chapstick addiction and my smoking addiction, I'd pick chapstick.

11. I'm allergic to chocolate.

12. And strawberries.

13. Yes, I realize that it sucks the hardcore.

14. People say I'm a picky eater. I prefer 'particular'.

15. I don't eat anything that comes out of the water, or anything that looks "odd" or has an unpleasing texture. This includes caramel, fungi, bean sprouts, foods that have seeds in them (unless I de-seed them... like tomatoes) and the list goes on and on.

16. I really do love food.

17. I have a horrific phobia of bees/wasps. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry.

18. If I could learn to play every instrument in the world, I would. Namely the tuba and bagpipes.

19. I currently can play guitar and bass guitar. Everything else I play would be considered noise.

20. When I was 19 years old, my eye cornea was ripped.

21. Yaarrr! I got to wear an eye-patch!

22. I skateboard for pleasure. That's it. Nothing fancy.

23. I love the season Summer.

24. Winter can bite me.

25. Did I mention I was born and lived in Edmonton for 13 years? The Winters are cold and freezing till Spring.

26. Calgary gets chinooks. Yeah, I know - It's not something about me.

27. I still love the cold, freezing city of Edmonton more than Calgary.

28. I've once lost a finger nail.

29. I've twice had alcohol poisoning.

30. I once puked and passed out in front of a church.

31. I'm certain God is still angry with me for that.

33. One day, I hope to not have such a potty mouth.

34. Until "one day", I say fuck it.

35. I've suffered from depression and it's ugliness since I was 14 years old.

36. I don't like admitting to it so I never talk about it.

37. I'm a pro at hiding my true feelings and emotions.

38. I've already had enough just typing points 35-37 out.


40. My one and only sibling is two years younger than me. We're very close.

41. The bitch left me to go travelling the world and is currently living in Scotland.

42. I miss her a lot.

43. She and I like trying to figure out what genes we got from each parent.

44. We would be considered "mutts".

45. My hair used to be straight. Then I dyed it goth black and my hair has never been the same since. Any other hair colour that I dyed my hair with, never destroyed my hair the way the black did.

46. It was almost like the hair dye mutated my mom's straight hair genes and my dad's wavy hair genes took over.

47. Oh, I still have two wisdom teeth that need to be removed.

48. I don't handle change well. At all.

49. If I could eat one thing for the rest of my life, it'd be cheese.

50. I have 18 piercings and seven tattoos with two more tattoos waiting as a Christmas present from last year.

51. Don't assume I'm some crazy ass, wild freak because of that.

52. I'm incredibly shy and fearful of a lot of things.

53. I do open up to people after a while. Sometimes it takes months to be the loud mouth that my friends know me as.

54. My ideal vacation spot would be Venice, Italy. I'm certain there isn't a more romantic place than riding under the moonlight where the streets are made of water.

55. I'd have to starve myself for a month before going there. I'm sure I'll gain 30 lbs off pastries alone.

56. There are plenty of people that will tell me I could use those extra pounds.

57. I don't make it very obvious, but I'm the biggest sucker for romance.

58. I don't think that wanting to have a surprise bouquet of flowers delivered to my work is asking for much.

59. Yeah... I cry easily. It doesn't matter if it has to do with something happy or sad. If it tugs at my heart, I'll cry like a sissy.

60. But, call me a sissy or imply that I'm a wimp? Don't be surprised if you get a hard fist in your face.

61. Okay, so perhaps I've been told that I get vicious when I'm angry.

62. Maybe if I didn't pent up all my anger all.the.time. it wouldn't be like that?! HUH. PUNK.

63. I love lotuses.

64. And the colour blue.

65. I also like having a system to everything I do. A "routine" if you will.

66. Otherwise, I believe chaos will ensue and I cannot have that happen.

67. Why yes indeed I have been called neurotic before!

68. OH! I looooove Winnie the Pooh.

69. I was going to write another point about Winnie the Pooh until I saw that I'm on point 69. I giggled a bit.

70. Every Christmas I always receive a Winnie the Pooh item. My collection is large.

71. Ugh. My head hurts and I'm only on 71. I resort to Advil Liquid Gels too easily.

72. My favourite author is Aldous Huxley. I hope to one day own all his books, regardless of the fact that some are difficult to find and are expensive.

73. Since I've been 17 years old, I've been single for no more than a month with the longest span of singledom being 10 days.

74. I am not impressed by it, but more ashamed by it.

75. I never was much of a casual dater. Nearly all of my relationships were long-term.

76. I find humour to be a very important quality in any person.

78. I've only worked at two jobs and volunteered at many places.

79. If I could, I would go back to my job at Dairy Queen where I worked as the supervisor/cake decorator. Unfortunately, it does not pay the bills.

80. If I ever win a large dollar amount lottery, I would quit my current, well paying job and work at DQ again. I'd also pay off my parents' debt, pay for my sisters schooling, pay off the mortgage, buy a few items and save the rest.

81. I'm stingy with money. I always feel guilty if I buy something for myself. On the plus side, I'm always able to save money.

82. I don't think I could live without music.

83. Taking a walk and eating at the same time pleases me.

84. I like to think that I'm burning off the calories as they come.

85. Apparently over exaggerating my injuries is a hobbie of mine. I can't help it if I think I'm going to bleed to death if I get a papercut.

86. Currently I'm thinking, "GOOD GOD, when is this list going to end?!"

87. I've had the same email address since I was 14.

88. British Bulldogs are my favourite breed of dogs. If I had one, I'd name it Bubba.

89. My dad is wretchedly allergic to animal fur.

90. I'm allergic to cats and pollen.

91. I've recently been hooked on Iron Chef America. HAI!

92. I can only speak one language. I wish I could speak more.

93. Flying on a plane scares me. I don't care about physics; something that large should not be in mid-air. I've only flown twice.

94. When I fall, I fall hard. This applies to everything.

95. I didn't have my first alcoholic drink until a few months after I turned 18. The legal drinking age here is 18.

96. I'm currently PMS'ing. HAH HAH.

97. I tend to give out too much information. Like the above point.

98. I once played in a punk-effin'-rock band when I was in high school. It was fun while it lasted.

99. I really want to end this list with a big bang of a point, but I lead a relatively dull life so I'm not sure what would classify as a "big bang".

100. More or less, give or take, I'm relatively content with myself.


Friday, April 04, 2008

One for the WTF!@#$ File

An employee is out of the office today, therefore, leaving his office vacant.

I felt a rumbling from deep within.

I acted like I had to drop something off in his office so walked over to the office door, opened it, and in I went.

I made a 180 degree turn, paused, and you guessed it – I let a silent one go.

I then proceeded to walk out and closed the door behind me.

It was fan-fuckin’-tastic.

I’m only slightly ashamed of myself.


Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Can't Even Fake Productivity

Booooo. Boooooo on me.

Only 1.5 hours left till the April Fools Pranks must cease and desist! And I have failed in providing a prank of a sort.

I hang my head in shame.

Perhaps if I weren’t sitting here at work I could have done something. Or maybe if I planned ahead of time I could have pulled something off. Alas, I am lazy.

I’ll have to try again next year.


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