Is it April?

Dear 1+ Feet of Snow and 2 Hour Commute to Work (from the 0.5 hour commute):

Snow and traffic. Fuck you.

kthx.

Regards,

AJ




And to you, Snowfall Warning, eat ass.

Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature:

Heed my words! This rain must come to a halt! Let this important notice be your first written warning. Please note that under no circumstances will I go easy on you for your next warning. Termination will take place.

Ms. Nature, I have currently lost count of how many days it has been cloudy and dreary; this does not include the rain that has followed.

Ms. Nature, you have managed to confuse the weatherperson which caused said weatherperson to state this morning that it is currently, “13 degrees and wet outside.” As I heard “wet” I believed it was fair to believe that it only meant that the ground was, you know, wet. That is until I stepped outside and came to the realization that “wet” meant a massive downpour. This will not be tolerated.

It is with a fair assumption that I speak for everyone when I say that wet socks are not comfortable. Two hours later my socks have finally dried off.

I will, however, give your props on a couple of items. Last night, you managed to end The Thunderstorm by the time I went to sleep. This will not go unnoticed for I am fearful of The Thunderstorm, especially if I am trying to sleep. Secondly, I am grateful that you held off the rain long enough so that my partner in crime and I could walk the hour to Peter’s Drive-In and to the 7-Eleven next door. This was perfectly synchronized with the Edmonton Oiler’s game. Which, by the way, DID YOU CHECK THAT SHIT OUT?! Mother Nature, were you as turned on as I was by it? Cause seriously. I was turned on. Yo, Ms. Nature, I hear Old Man Winter is available during the off-season. Why don’t you, *nudge nudge* give him a call… know what I’m sayin’?! Word.

In conclusion, with the summer season upon us, please cheer the hell up because I am more than certain that I’m not the only one who wants this rain to stop. Oh, and it’d be greatly appreciated if you could make the rain stop before noon because I am starving and the idea of walking in the rain to get lunch does NOT turn me on.

Sincerely,

AJS

Important Service Announcement

We'd like to interrupt the regular scheduled programme for an important service announcement, aka “My Angry Letter to Heineken”.


My Dearest Heineken:

Now, you and I have been friends for nearly 6 years and during these 6 years I've grown to love you dearly. You have been there for me when no one else has and you've comforted me in a way no one else could. But last night, Heine, you crossed the line.

Heineken, I TOLD you last night that I had to work the next morning. I completely realize that you were involved in the night's activities for a good reason, which is fine by me, but you failed to tell me that I had one too many.

Firstly, don't hand me that crap that I didn't tell you I had to work in the morning. Seriously. I must have said it at least 6 times throughout the night "Nooo! I can't get drunk! I've got to be all responsible and stuff, and get to work sober!", so you damn well knew about it. So what the hell is stuck up your ass? I thought we had an understanding: I drink you; you tell me when I'm buzzing; I stop drinking you before I am drunk. Last night though? NOTHING LIKE THAT. You see? You made me use the Caps Lock. Heine, when I left the pub I felt sooo fine. Not even buzzed. But the second I walked through my doorway at home? BAM! You struck me like a freight train. Honestly, it hurt.

Secondly, before I leave the pub, you're supposed to give my bladder a head's up that it's full and it needs to be released. Because you failed to do so and I couldn't hold it in any longer (well, that and there wasn't a single place opened at that time), I had to mark my territory in another area of Calgary. Downtown. In an alley. Between two dumpsters. Only to realize there was someone on their balcony beside the way. I can't even muster up enough sarcasm to tell you how classy I felt.

In conclusion, I am very angry with you right now. I'm just not feeling up to par because of your behaviour last night. I will forgive you in due time... possibly this Friday. Wanna hook up then?

Yours truly,

AJ
(aka "My head hurts, my gut hurts and I can't tell if I have to pee or not")