Paying the Price

*Watching a television commercial*

TV Commercial: Money can’t buy love.

Me to FM: Yeah! For you, my love is free. It won’t cost you a thing!

FM: Hah! No, it did cost me something.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

FM: *Insert jesting tone of voice* It cost me everything and I’ll be paying for it for the rest of my life.

Me: *Punch*

Downwards

You know, I tried to hold out on writing a post simply because life has been the fucking shits and I’m using whatever energy I have left to not pack my bags and flee to somewhere warm like New Zealand. But right now, I don’t care. My blog, my rant and if people don’t want to read a foul mouthed person, then don’t read it. I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR.

Where to start... Oh yeah, how about May Long camping? Bullshit is what it was.

Our escape from the city to a place where there were no televisions, no phones and no computers turned out to be a fucking rave party of some goddamn sort. I knew there would be partiers, but are you serious? We had two groups beside us playing their lame trance crap until six-in-the-goddamn-motherfucking-morning. I shit you not.

And then, coming back home, made me realize even more how badly I’ve been feeling like shit. It was at that point that I fully understood Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset by Modest Mouse.

I’ve been feeling like there’s something missing in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I do have wonderful friends and a wonderful fiance... but... something just isn’t right.

I’ve never been one to want to travel the world, but lately I feel like I’ve missed out on some glorious places and people. Most people would think, “Just go out and travel!” but it’s never that simple. It’s called a fucking stable job and a mortgage. Maybe it’s just because I miss my sister so much, who’s currently traveling Italy. Again. For the second time. Ugh.

Oh and about this job? You know, it’s not pleasant having to wake up every damn day feeling like you’re living a lie. Dead serious. I feel like I’m living a lie. The business world is not me. A desk-job, office life is not me. The attitude these people have is not me. THESE FUCKING CLOTHES I’M WEARING IS NOT FUCKING ME. The fact that I can’t wear skirts to work because of the tattoos I have and the fact that I have to now remove certain piercings (eyebrows, earrings, etc.) is not me.

But then what the fuck is me? Over the last decade, I have been one of the unfortunate people who’s had their creativity and ambitions crushed by depression. I envy those whose mind is only fuelled by their depression to the point that they are able to come up with creative works of art. I’ve lost myself over 12 years ago, and I’m not entirely sure who I am. So how the hell am I supposed to figure out what I want to do? I’m only bringing myself further down by working in this career.

But maybe all this is brought by the shitty weather we’ve been having. It has been raining non-effin-stop, and the moment the sun shines through the clouds it goes back into hiding and it starts pouring again. And this has been going on for weeks. FOR WEEKS. I CAN ONLY HANDLE SO MUCH FUCKING PISS FROM THE SKY.


Seriously. I received that in an email this morning. It isn’t a lie.

Now, let’s get into my issues my body is going through from all this crap. I’m not sleeping well so I’m always tired. I’m beyond irritable and on edge. I’m lacking an appetite. I’ve got the runs. Oh, and occasionally my eye will start twitching like a lunatic who just got sprayed in the eye with lemon juice.

I’m too exhausted, mentally and physically. I’m feeling like a lost child in a massive department store crying for help but there’s no one around to hear the cries because it’s after store hours and I got locked in.

Yeah, that’s right, locked in.

God, I’m losing my mind. I need to figure things out, but I need to figure out where to start.

Nelly Don't Know Hot

It’s getting hot in here and I’m tempted to take off all my clothes.

It’s finally begun to feel like Spring. I can tell from my itchy, watery, sticky eyes. Oh, and the wicked warm weather.

Now, we all know that during May Long it always rains (sprinkling of raindrops for Sunday and Monday), but I’m okay with that. As long as there is no snow, I’m good to go.

Brand new tent – check.
Booze – check.
Up till 12:00 a.m., last night, to ensure that the majority of things are packed so that we can head out camping after work – check.

The last time we “went” camping was the long weekend of September last year. Except, we didn’t go. It’s like this – we stayed up late to pack everything up so that we (Future Mister and I) could get up early and head out to the mountains. Prior to this, FM had been having gut issues and his gut issues wouldn’t subside. After much nagging on my part (I was worried he had appendicitis, even though he didn’t display any of the symptoms) and after much resistance on his part, he finally agreed to make a quick stop at the doctors before we rush home to pack up the vehicle and leave.

Yeah. We never made it home.

Guess who was right? Guess who’s nagging paid off? And guess who demanded a bouquet of flowers for saving a life?

Me.

Despite having zero symptoms, it turns out he did have appendicitis.

Without going into a whole lot of detail on the events to follow (it still saddens me to think that we could have been in the middle of nowhere and God only knows what would have happened if his appendix had burst), let’s just say that FM laid on a waiting room bed for 8 hours while 3 doctors poked and prodded him trying to determine if it really was appendicitis (again, zero symptoms). The doctors finally decided to get him scanned and half an hour later he was rushed to the operating room to remove his appendix.

During his prep, FM must have gone through shock because he suddenly went pale. He asked to go to the washroom and after 5 minutes in there I knocked on the door to see if he was okay.

Actually, you know what, I don’t even want to type it out because I don’t feel like tearing up at the thought of that day/night/the days after, etc.

All in all, it was a horrendous experience. I realize it was a simple appendicitis that needed to be removed, but with the waiting times in hospitals in Calgary and the events that followed during his prep, I was almost certain that his appendix would have/had burst.

One day I’ll write out the whole tale of FM’s appendix experience; including the amazing changes in our lives because it happened (Like finding his biological father! Through facebook of all places!).

Until then, I’m going to continue counting down the hours till I’m off work so we can go CAMPING!@#$

Cheap Treat?

I think it’s fairly clear that I’m in a slump. I feel the need to treat myself to something.

I want to get dolled up and go out. I’m tired of the same old jeans and t-shirts. This seems like it’d be such a simple task, but I don’t feel like being the person who is all dressed up with no where to go and the person I’d like to get all fancy with is not a fancy person at all (aka the Future Mister).

I’ve thought about maybe dying my hair and getting a nice hairstyle, but hair colouring is expensive and I wouldn’t know what sort of hairstyle would look good for me.

I’ve thought about going on a small shopping spree. Then I remembered that, too, involves money and God only knows I hate shopping for clothes.

A spa visit would be nice, but damn those cost quite a bit of money.

Money seems to be a huge issue for me. Not only do I not like the idea of spending money on myself, but money is tight when you have a mortgage, bills and a wedding to save for.

I do have a tattoo gift certificate that will treat me nicely, but I’ll still have to wait months until I can actually get an appointment.

If only treating myself were cheaper.