Important Service Announcement
We'd like to interrupt the regular scheduled programme for an important service announcement, aka “My Angry Letter to Heineken”.
My Dearest Heineken:
Now, you and I have been friends for nearly 6 years and during these 6 years I've grown to love you dearly. You have been there for me when no one else has and you've comforted me in a way no one else could. But last night, Heine, you crossed the line.
Heineken, I TOLD you last night that I had to work the next morning. I completely realize that you were involved in the night's activities for a good reason, which is fine by me, but you failed to tell me that I had one too many.
Firstly, don't hand me that crap that I didn't tell you I had to work in the morning. Seriously. I must have said it at least 6 times throughout the night "Nooo! I can't get drunk! I've got to be all responsible and stuff, and get to work sober!", so you damn well knew about it. So what the hell is stuck up your ass? I thought we had an understanding: I drink you; you tell me when I'm buzzing; I stop drinking you before I am drunk. Last night though? NOTHING LIKE THAT. You see? You made me use the Caps Lock. Heine, when I left the pub I felt sooo fine. Not even buzzed. But the second I walked through my doorway at home? BAM! You struck me like a freight train. Honestly, it hurt.
Secondly, before I leave the pub, you're supposed to give my bladder a head's up that it's full and it needs to be released. Because you failed to do so and I couldn't hold it in any longer (well, that and there wasn't a single place opened at that time), I had to mark my territory in another area of Calgary. Downtown. In an alley. Between two dumpsters. Only to realize there was someone on their balcony beside the way. I can't even muster up enough sarcasm to tell you how classy I felt.
In conclusion, I am very angry with you right now. I'm just not feeling up to par because of your behaviour last night. I will forgive you in due time... possibly this Friday. Wanna hook up then?
Yours truly,
AJ
(aka "My head hurts, my gut hurts and I can't tell if I have to pee or not")
My Dearest Heineken:
Now, you and I have been friends for nearly 6 years and during these 6 years I've grown to love you dearly. You have been there for me when no one else has and you've comforted me in a way no one else could. But last night, Heine, you crossed the line.
Heineken, I TOLD you last night that I had to work the next morning. I completely realize that you were involved in the night's activities for a good reason, which is fine by me, but you failed to tell me that I had one too many.
Firstly, don't hand me that crap that I didn't tell you I had to work in the morning. Seriously. I must have said it at least 6 times throughout the night "Nooo! I can't get drunk! I've got to be all responsible and stuff, and get to work sober!", so you damn well knew about it. So what the hell is stuck up your ass? I thought we had an understanding: I drink you; you tell me when I'm buzzing; I stop drinking you before I am drunk. Last night though? NOTHING LIKE THAT. You see? You made me use the Caps Lock. Heine, when I left the pub I felt sooo fine. Not even buzzed. But the second I walked through my doorway at home? BAM! You struck me like a freight train. Honestly, it hurt.
Secondly, before I leave the pub, you're supposed to give my bladder a head's up that it's full and it needs to be released. Because you failed to do so and I couldn't hold it in any longer (well, that and there wasn't a single place opened at that time), I had to mark my territory in another area of Calgary. Downtown. In an alley. Between two dumpsters. Only to realize there was someone on their balcony beside the way. I can't even muster up enough sarcasm to tell you how classy I felt.
In conclusion, I am very angry with you right now. I'm just not feeling up to par because of your behaviour last night. I will forgive you in due time... possibly this Friday. Wanna hook up then?
Yours truly,
AJ
(aka "My head hurts, my gut hurts and I can't tell if I have to pee or not")
Labels: Letter to...
posted by AJ at
11:17 a.m.
3 Comments:
hmmm... sounds like a wonderful night :) Ah to be able to go to the pub with all the others...
Ha ha ha, I love it! That's so awesome! Almost sounds realistic, like you're talking to someone. Good job.
nick - Oh believe me, it was definitely wonderful. :) Not so sure if I'll go out to a pub again on a weekday... but regardless, it was worth it.
punk angel - Thanks! If I could actually send that letter to Heineken I would do it in a second.
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