Friday, April 28, 2006

Pathetic Love – Part 5 – The Return of Jason #2 (aka J)

To start off the big finale, here is Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4.

When Jason #2 suggested that we meet up I had to inquire why. Why in God’s name, after what you’ve done, should I see you? Supposedly he was interested in seeing how things were for me and all that crap.

We met up at a pub/restaurant and immediately my heart skipped a beat. Ever since we had broken up, I had never once stopped loving him or wanting to be with him. Now that I saw him face to face I knew I had a goal. Get him back.

To be honest, it wasn’t that difficult. After he and I talked for a few days we had come to the conclusion that yes, we would like to give it another try. From the get-go we laid out exactly what our expectations, hopes and goals were. No surprises this time.

Just like any fresh and new relationship, things were great. We laughed, smiled, sexed and all in all it was wonderful. Shortly after we started dating, again, I moved out of my parents’ house into my very first apartment. It was a small, one bedroom apartment but I loved it. Living on my own was a huge adjustment; I was fending for myself in a battle of my own wits. Thankfully for me, Jamie lived 3 floors above me and Jason stayed over frequently.

Now I’m sure you’re all just waiting for this and guaranteed you all expected it, but yes, the time came when Jason and I were arguing again. This time was different though… we really tried to make things work. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Who would have thought? So, we dug through the trenches and pulled through every single time.

This next part is my personal favourite… Months later, Jason had finally decided to make another commitment in the relationship and he and I were going to find an apartment together. That’s right folks – together.

And you know what? We found a wonderful apartment together and it was bliss. After years of Pathetic Loves I had found one that I wouldn’t let go of! I can’t even describe the happiness I felt. We were moving in a good direction and I couldn’t wait to find out what would happen next.

Over time, Jason and I had talked seriously about marriage. I’m all, “OHMYGODOHMYGOD.” The man who has had serious commitment issues was actually thinking of committing!

Then one day, at the beginning of April 2006, I suddenly noticed something wasn’t quite right… I felt as if something between Jason and I wasn’t the same anymore. It was as if his mind wasn’t fully there in the relationship and that it was off somewhere else. This exact feeling was the same I felt the first time around when I found out that he hadn’t been as honest/faithful as he should have been. I brought this up to him and he dismissed it as me being paranoid… okay, fair enough, I guess.

On April 7 I brought my worries to him again. The feeling and worry hadn’t left me and I felt it was appropriate to talk about. I mean, that is what you do in a relationship, right? Well, he blew up. Next thing you knew he was angry and brought up a crap load of things that weren’t even related to what we were talking about. At that point, we stopped talking to each other.

On April 10 we finally spoke and discussed how we both felt. I explained my feelings and he explained that we needed to work on our communication. After that, everything was fine between us, almost as if nothing had happened.

The next day, April 11, at 7:30 a.m., he drove me to the chiropractor as per usual. I finished at the chiropractor later than normal and when he suggested us getting breakfast, like we always did after the chiro, I told him that we wouldn’t have time and if he could take me straight to work.

Once we arrived at my work we did our usual good-bye routine. “Love you.” *hug* *kiss* “Love you too.” Because Jason had to work a night shift the evening before he told me that he was tired and that he was going to go home, take a nap and call me when he woke up. This was an average routine with nothing out of the ordinary. So, as I left the car we hugged and kissed again, and told each other ‘I love you.’

I continued on my day, at work, feeling great knowing that we were able to overcome another obstacle.

By 4:00 p.m. I noticed he hadn’t called me yet, which is rather odd because he usually would have woken up by 1:00 p.m. I decided to call home to see how he was doing and there was no answer. I called his cell phone and it was turned off… it is never turned off… Back and forth I continuously dialled the home phone number and his cell phone number. Still nothing.

The second 4:30 p.m. hit, I left work and quickly caught the train to head home.

I could feel myself getting anxious and prayed that I wouldn’t have another anxiety or panic attack. Repeatedly I told myself, it’s okay, it’s okay, you’re getting freaked out over nothing.

As I’m writing this… I can tell you honestly that I’m trying to not cry and that my heart is racing a million miles per hour.

I reached the doorway and opened the door.

And all it took was one look.

To notice that things weren’t going to be the same.

His shoes were gone. The queen sized bed we shared was gone. The two end tables, the coffee table, his desk and computers, his clothes, his linen, his dishes, his television… it was all gone.

During the 7.5 hours that I was at work, he had managed to move all of his belongings out of the home we had made together.

All that he had left behind was a note… that he had left and was never coming back, to not even bother looking for him. No further explanation. And there I was, curled up in a ball in a corner of the room, crying my heart out.

Since April 11, he has changed his cell phone number. I have written emails in hopes for an answer and maybe some closure, but I have yet to see anything in my inbox from him.

Since April 11, I have written 5 parts to a Pathetic Love story in hopes that maybe it will work as the closure I need.

Since April 11, my anxiety attacks have increased to at least 6 times a day.

Since April 11, I have spent the majority of time sleeping over at friends’ because I cannot stand the thought of sleeping alone at what I used to call home.

Since April 11, I haven’t been able to fall asleep unless I take my prescription sleeping pills or have a beer before I go to bed.

Since April 11, I have been surrounded by friends that I know would never leave me like that.

Since April 11, I have cried more than I have in, possibly, my whole life.

I know it’s not the end of the world. With each day that passes I hope to become stronger and that soon enough this will pass. With the lease not up yet on the apartment, I will have to find a way to be able to cope with the emptiness that has been left behind.

Until then, I will continue to hope that maybe… just maybe… Part 5 of my Pathetic Love story will be the last time it’ll end in shit.

“…I'll pull myself together

I'll say that I'll forget her, I'll breathe
and I'll say she never hurt me
and look at it as learning
and laugh about the good and the bad
because I will live forever
we don't belong together
I know I'll be the better
one day I will make it through”
~ Silverstein

Edited to Add: By this point, on April 11, we had dated, again, for a year and 5 months. Grand total: 3 years and approximately 2 months.



Blogger Punk Angel said...

Wow, that's really devastating. I was almost expecting to read about him sleeping with someone else when you entered your apartment but to my surprise, not nearly as much as yours, I was shocked to read that everything was gone. I don't know what I'd do if I were to move in with my boyfriend and have that happen. I don't even really know what to say because for something like that, I would imagine there aren't many consolidation words to be written, other than you've got to 'power' through this, and tomorrow is another day, the sun will rise. Best of luck to you.

7:53 p.m.  
Blogger AJ said...

Thank you for the encouraging words! Thinking back on the last couple of weeks before he took off, I realized things like, "I should have seen that coming" or "How could I not have noticed that?!" It's the little signs I failed to see. Each day, though, is getting a little bit easier.

9:01 a.m.  
Anonymous Kristin said...

That is so awful, AJ. I can't even imagine.

Hope you find the closure you're looking for.

9:54 p.m.  
Blogger AJ said...

Thank you, Kristin. I haven't quite found the closure I need, yet, but I believe that I'm slowly getting there.

11:17 a.m.  

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