Tuesday, July 25, 2006

In My Prime

When I was 18 years old I was down at the clubs. A lot. I was legal to drink and drink I did. My friends and I would be dancing till the venue turned on the lights and kicked us out.

For years upon years, I had a Grade A ass. Derriere. Butt. And that’s not just me saying it, because God only knows that I’ve always had a slight dislike for my buttocks, but all my friends believed so. They found it to be quite the grab-able commodity.

One night, while at a club in the south of the city, there was an ass contest. Think: wet t-shirt contest… only with ass; minus the wet.

My friends were pushing me to enter and since I was drunk (haaaah hah) I went for it. There were ten girls in total (all who were in great shape and rightfully deserved a spot in this challenge) and five judges (all males, one being a friend I was with).

It was a simple contest. Girls: stand there; let male cop a feel. Guys: cop a feel; judge.

Out of these ten girls, I won.

Who the hell would have thought?

Sadly, that was one of the highlights of my early, ridiculous adulthood.

That was six years ago. Now, I realize six years is a long time but during those six years my ass has lost its touch. Along with my legs. And the belly. And so forth.

About three months ago I had encouraged myself to get back in shape, start (attempting) to eat better and look good in a friggin’ bikini by the summer. Since April, I have made progress. Definitely eating better, getting exercise and I look decent in bikini. OH! And, my proudest moment of it all? Fitting into shorts that I couldn’t squeeze into four years ago. Still haven’t given up beer, though. But I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet.

Anyway. Right now I’m looking into building some form of muscle in certain areas of my body (thighs, obtain Grade A ass again, lower abs) and get some cardio going to burn off the fat in those areas.

Here’s where I need help. I, AJ, have never owned a pair of err… running-type-shoes. The shoes I have always owned were skate shoes or docs or anything of that variation.

They will not do any justice in running.

Now, I know that there are runners reading this. Ahem.

Help me. Believe me. I need it.

What are good brands? Good for running, jogging, speed walking (ha ha. You all should see me speed walk. I overly exaggerate it. It makes people laugh. Possibly at me. Not with me…). Oh, and nothing that would burn a massive hole in the pocket that holds my money.

Suddenly I have George’s voice in my head: “I declare this! The summer of George!”

Move aside Georgey-boy, this is the summer of AJ!

*insert maniacal laughter*

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4 Comments:

Blogger Alex said...

AJ, great plan! I myself took the opposite track: I used to be fat and worked my ass of in college. Running helped a lot. The best shoes, in my mind, are New Balance: not as expensive as Nikes, say (at least in my experience), they are very comfortable, and they last a long time. I've had my current pair for about six years...yeah, it's probably time to buy some new insoles, but the shoes themselves are workhorses.

Good luck with everything, and maybe you can enter an ass contest again.

Hahah. I can't type "ass contest" without laughing.

9:19 a.m.  
Blogger AJ said...

Alex, I was the complete opposite. In high school I was 5'6" and could not get my weight over 105 lbs. For years I was able to out-eat every male but to no avail the weight would not increase. Then... insert beer. Six years later and I managed to gain nearly 40 lbs. I am not impressed with myself. I will definitely check out New Balance. Haven't heard of that brand before but I'm sure I'll find a store that carries them. As for the ass contest? I doubt I'll enter another one ever again. I'd like to think of it as "retiring as the reigning ass champion."

1:42 p.m.  
Anonymous Dawn said...

Wow I can't believe you won an ass contest! I would win the best-pancake-pretending-to-be-an-ass contest if there was one.

My running shoes are Mizuno - they cost me about a hundred bucks. New Balance is also a good brand or you really can't go wrong with Nike or Adidas or any of the typical brands either but the key is to get RUNNING shoes not cross-trainers if you're actually going to run. And it is important to go to a running store and get fitted for running shoes. The trained professionals there can watch how you walk and tell you what sort of shoes you need. They will also usually let you run around the block to test out the shoe. Also, the biggest mistake people tend to make is buying running shoes in the same size as their other shoes. I wear a big-ass 10 1/2 in running shoes and a 9 in normal shoes.

3:05 p.m.  
Blogger AJ said...

Oh man...

Dawn, thanks for the comments. I would have seriously screwed myself over if it weren't for those few tips (ie. Me thinking to myself: Running shoes? Cross-training shoes? There's a difference?!). Chances are I would have also messed up on the shoe size (ie. Me to sales person: No! You don't understand! My shoe size is about a 5 to a 6... NOT 8 - DO NOT INSULT ME.)

10:43 a.m.  

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